It is within my existance to contradict what is said. yes i can be a hypocrite, it doesnt mean that what I said wasnt true.  Life is troubling, and my amusement comes from all the inevitable twists that gnarl at those around me. I touch lives only to destory the existance of the innocense of the souls around me.

But it doesnt matter I guess.. I'm not going to change any time soon..

I decided to clean up my journal.. to keep from incriminating myself

IT IS TIME

TO

LEAVE.

i dont have much to say, so i'll go.

WARNING: this is over 7 pages in MS Word, so if u are going to read, its long... plus much of the entries were never finsihed.. so there are alot of incomplete things in here that end abrubtly...

Eye Clear and Calm

Body fierce and deadly

Living through my wrath

Will cost a price plenty

 

I am your future, along with your past. I show you what’s in the deepest part of your mind.  I take you to places only you can imagine.  I am the eyes of the unconscious.

 

Heaven could be this great place if God makes all the people mindless drones who feel only what they are told to.  This way they will never get bored and dissatisfied.  No matter what they were doing, or what was going on, once they step through those pearly gates, God puts a permanent smile upon everyone’s faces, swiping away any trace of any emotion but happiness.

 

From the dark beneath

A soldier is smart to fear the teeth

Of the mute but dangerous beast

Lest you carry your yeast

 

Many trees down from last years sheer wind storm; three chainsaws blaring, wood falling, becoming small logs.  Pick up one, two, toss into the trailer, one more, two more, an uncountable pile begins to form, nothing left cut, saws start up again, more wood into logs.  One ton gathered, slowly two tons begin to emerge from the separate smaller pieces.  By the end the arms and legs give out, only to remember, we still have to unload the whole fucking thing!

 

“You love me, don’t you?” he asked

“I lost hope in it,” she said.  “I cannot lie to myself and say that I don’t care for you.  I have tried hard to just leave you out of my mind, but I guess that I forgot to hide you from my heart.  You found your own way in, deeper than I would have ever allowed.  No, I don’t love you; I hate you for making me feel like this.”

“I can see through that.  Your eyes tell me more than your lips or mind want.  I can see your love,” he whispered.

“Fuck you! You know too much,” she screamed as she shot him

 

One day a snickesmig snuck into my room, and shot my bed while screaming, “Kill them! Kill them all!  Die mother fucker die!”  He suddenly dropped to the ground, crawling on his belly, licking the floor as he left the house.

 

Drive into a lake and smell how beautiful it is

Watch whose nuts you’re grabbing

 

Christmas was in the air and all was well until Uncle Ted pulled into the driveway in his old rusted out mobile home.  WE all froze as he walked through the front door.  His wobbling and drunken slurred voice on Christmas Eve almost seemed like tradition.  With his appearance I had thought to myself, “Why can’t I have a normal holiday that is filled with joy, not booze.”  But of course, that was just wishful thinking.

 

Down into the fathomless depths went the small fishlike vehicle.  It swam deeper and deeper until darkness surrounded everything.  It had gotten cold with the suffocating blackness that covered everything, yet they were just chilled inside.

 

When the moon comes up and the stars come out, the little town of Gorlinstaph becomes quiet.  The people settle down in their cozy homes, but they will never go into the darkness of the night.  Bad things happen in the dark.

 

The morning yawned sleepily as the rays of the sun slowly rose to color the sky as the cat lady stood on her porch.  It has been the day that the city said they were going to tear down her condemned house, so she stood with shotgun in one hand and feline in the other.  The cat purred, unaware of what was supposed to happen this day; loud rumbling came down the street towards the house.

 

On this cold and blustery night, the moon was out making the darkness light.  We were alone until out from the darkness stepped her father.  He didn’t see use at first but he made his way over to our shivering bodies.  He yelled to the rest of the search party and they picked up or bodies, placing them in the blankets they brought. But it was too late.

 

What is this spell you have over me

What is this emotion you place in my heart

You have a beauty that mesmerizes me

And a mind I find just as attractive

 

Just as the clock struck twelve, the city went black.  It was January first, the first day of 2081.  The Y2K bug was fixed before it started, but this crisis was even bigger.

The GTA(German Torture Alliance) bugging had done its job.  The United States and allied force’s lights dimmed and went out.  The power was dead.  The military radar seekers were useless.

Looking over the boat, Jash Kontoursi felt triumph over the German’s first plan succeeding.

There was an explosion of light in the air.  “That’s the signal,” cried Hostoi Clidian to the troops.  Putting on his air mask and armor, Jash jumped into the freezing January water.  “My revenge will be on those American pigs!” Hostoi yelled to Jash.

Hearing the clanking noise, the troops swam out of the way of the descending watercraft.  Nine of the twelve troopers were doubled up on the wave runners.  Jash being by himself, shot ahead of the others.

As they approached the coast, Jash saw large battle ships docked on shore.  Movement aboard the biggest ship caused Jash to slow down while the others sped ahead of him on their humming crafts.  They were about six miles from shore, well out of range from most weapons, but Jash was still unsure of their safty.

On the ship, the UAF (United Allied Forces) Commander Busics saw the incoming watercraft.  “Send out the squadron of seals to investigate,” he yelled to Conner, the communication director.

“Commander,” Busics heard over the intercom, “I have spotted the craft about a mile from the south tip of the bunker.”

 

The soft, warming glow of the rising sun had pierced its way through the clear starless sky.  The green cattails swayed in the light breeze near the clear blue river.  The sweet fragrance of the morning dew mixes with the pleasant smells of the bakers preparing their breads inside the town square.  The world seems so peaceful, so full of life at least that is what the people of Obriquino would tell you.

 

Blocks and blocks cover the next few steps and upon the time that wicked nations that never progress upon the negative creep of society and upon the thoughtless adoleciance and immigration laws passed down through the tunnel of clowns upon sensational pleasure you cannot measure.  Buy the duck it may save your life even if you get into an accident upon the time those hairy potters will revolt and become deadly swan eaters upon the day poison is healthy and sex is encouraged.

 

Deathly cold and hard, hidden in the heights of its dark and dusty perch.  It looks down upon the images of past and present, its body covered with molded plastic, its head sticking out with a sharp point.  All its life it has been an imperfect reflection with times of stained sights, but forever it’s ready for deadly delights.

 

A lot of what our media feeds the teens is bullshit, but now it’s nearly impossible to change.  Our society is in a downward spiral that more than likely will end our civilization as we know it.

 

How to be a Cereal Killer

How to brainstorm subjects

How to write a process paper

How to make a noose

How to think of a real topic

How to drown someone without touching them

How to give yourself a tattoo

How to produce money at home

How to create destructive viruses for computers

How to destroy every relationship you have

How to creep out your teachers

 

Afraid to be who we really are

Looking up to the Hollywood star

And acting fake among our peers

Just to avoid the tears and jeers

Always taught how to be

But never taught to just be me

We are living in a world that doesn’t care

Where our moral webs have begun to tear

 

Though the bird may sing

Its life is threatened.

Predators surround him

Hiding and seeking.

The bird knows the danger

But not of the consequences

Yet the bird continues to sing.

He knows that the unseen

And always seen glory

Will protect him.

The bird continues to sing

He knows the unseen predators are close

But fear does not touch him.

 

Blink, Blink, Blink,

As the Angel of Death floats atop fiery wings

 

This room consumes

As it breaths out thoughts, memories

 

The room has a name

Insanity

The center of student’s common life

 

Demonic faces look down at you

Staring, staring, staring.

 

Side by side they walk past

Their guns hoisted upon their shoulders

So many faces

Twice as many eyes

So many will go

So many will die

All of it is a cover up

All of it is a lie

Told to those men

Soon to be at the front line

 

My biggest pet-peeves are the media and people making comments about my looks, weight or body size.  I personally don’t think it should matter to other people how I look or how much (or little) I weigh.  My body wasn’t created for other people to tell me how to look or how to treat it.  The sights and ideas that the media gives us on how we are supposed to look is a bunch of crap designed to reach into our wallets rather than to let us express our uniqueness.  How unique is a mass produced item?  This pet-peeve started around the seventh grade when I started dating a girl who, for the next four years, complained about how thin I am, and would always tell me that I looked anorexic, even though she knew my eating habits were far from it.  Because of her influence on my life I still have a hard time not wearing clothing that covers my entire body.

Why is it that our media has begun to portraying the “perfect man and woman” as being something that no human could ever live up to?  It is a demon searching for the people who are willing to sell their souls to be accepted.  They give us this ideal of the perfect human, selling us crap including but not limited to: cosmetics, breast implants, penis enlargers, pills to make us think, pills to make us bulk up, and exercise machines that look pretty but have no practical use; and they fail to make us into what they promise.  This in itself creates a sense of hopelessness that is only fulfilled (we are told) by trying harder to change who we are and buy more stuff that probably will never be used.

From an early age we are shaped by the media into thinking like it, and by the time we are ten we have become controlled by the influence and trust it has gained.  What would happen then if someone like Hitler controlled our media?  Already our news and information we get from the media is slanted and if a powerful enough person gets their hands even further into it, there’s no telling how much damage they could create through our own willingness to conform and our children’s influential and trusting minds.

 

And then came a pilgrim all decked in black

Bringing very little but the sack on her back

Her black hair looks to have been set a blaze

But watch your throat before you think to haze

A con of a merchant, she could sell you

Your smock and make a profit of a few.

Beware of her deals, you may sell your soul

For stuff worth no more than dirt in a hole.

Her acts of innocents is contrasting

With her eyes bright and full of much zing

A seductress is her nature, no guy

In any land could resist without a cry.

But don’t judge her on what you perceive to

Be, for her mind is so like very few.

You may think now you know this girl I speak

Of, but seeking this girl will leave you weak

She is never the same in any two lands

But the same soft touch is left in her hands

You better watch your back when she is ‘round

You may end up six feet under ground.

 

My dear child why can’t you see,

All I’m doing is in the best for thee.

From my shores I gave all I could,

Furnishing you with all finished goods.

In all our best interest I restricted your production a lot,

And of a pittance of a tariff you cried and grew hot

Tempered, and said you would pay it not.

I heard you had a tea party and invited your friends,

The Sons and Daughters of Liberty dressed as Indians.

I had to close that Boston Harbor for the tea was a loss

And abolish your town meetings to show you who’s boss.

You smuggled and avoided my laws

And told me to keep off my paws

Yet begged forgiveness when your messenger calls

You went too far when you declared yourself free,

And claimed my role was tyranny.

I sent my troops to reaffirm my rule,

But you were set out to make me a fool.

You hid in the bushes and behind trees

Sniping in your camo tees

And running away like you were chased by bees.

We searched the country, we searched the town

But your revolutionary leaders could not be found.

When you stepped into Canada you were knocked on your face

It seems your motives were way off base.

I kept the soldiers in the forts after our fight

Since you wouldn’t give the loyalist what was theirs by right.

Now I look for an opportunity to show you have no real might

 

Why do you stare like that at me dear?  With eyes blaming and bewildered.  It was only a night ago that you proclaimed that only I could love you like you need.  But tonight you are cold and your heart hard.  I tried to please you, I really did, but once he came around

 

Wrestle with life as you know it

Soon it will be just a memory of what once was

Forever will we anticipate tomorrow

And dwell on yesterday

In our search of the meaning

Of every

Little

Thing

But we never have found out

How to capture and persevere the moment

Where happiness exists

In times of our hell.

 

“Oops,” Sahle whispered.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you were in here.”

“It’s ok…” Garmah’s voice faded away as he watched Sahle slip into the room.  She glided around the maze of chairs and boxes scattered around the small room.  She seemed uncomfortable in his presence.  He looked away from her and began feeling the material of the recliner he had sunk into.

“So… um, what are you doing in here alone?” Sahle asked.

Garmah had a look of longing in his eyes as he peered at the pictures on the wall.  “What does it matter now?”

“Nothing I guess.”  Sahle sighed as she threw her backpack on a chair.

 

Throughout time people have abused drugs.  It is human nature to want to overuse things that leave us empty inside.  It is also apparent that people abuse their sexuality for the same reason.  Why else would married people never have sex… either they are all sexed out and decided they might as well have a tax relief benefits for being married; or they decided that since they are allowed to do it all they want they don’t seem to have the desire any longer.

Who would want kids? All they do is eat your food and use your money without ever really benefiting you.  And you know they are going to put you into a home as soon as you even look old so they can get their cubby little hands on your life savings.

 

Silence filled the room as she stared at the door slowly closing as he left.  A click echoed lightly throughout the room as the lock was activated once again.  She sat down on the faded blue beanbag that was thrown in a corner.  She smiled to herself and let out a breath she had been holding.

 

In a small Sioux village, there was a legend that a young male and female, of different parents, would come together.  They would find that they had been given a special gift from the gods, and together they would deliver their tribe into the beginning of a new life.  The legend didn’t tell when the two would come, but told to look for THE MARK.

Looking over his shoulder, Zair looked past the trees.  He could still see the fires burning in camp.  His family and tribe were just a blur on the horizon.  He was on his way to fulfill his religious journey into his adult tribehood.

 

“I just don’t understand what’s been going on lately,” he stated with a passionate and confused voice.

“Why don’t you tell me what happened from the beginning?” came a melancholy voice that seemed so distant, yet so close.

“I… I see little point in going though the whole story once more,” he let out a deep sigh.  “If you want though I’ll tell you, but you don’t seem any different from the others.  They didn’t believe, it seems doubtful you will be any different.”

“Already this conversation sounds like the script of a horribly casted low budget film, and I hate that, so I will skip over all that ‘once upon a time’ bullshit and take what seems to be my fairy tale to the place I find myself seeing every time I close my eyes.

“The summer day had been quite warm, but something had changed the heat into an icy down pour.”

“Something? Do you mean the weather was influenced to change?” the voice asked.

“Well, yes.  There was a definite outside influence, but we will get back to that later.  For now all that is important was that the weather had become severe suddenly.

“I was on my way home from watching a movie at a buddy of mine’s house.  It had gotten late and the rain slowed to a trickle.  I had just got past old lady Valcoran’s creepy old house when I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up as I got the feeling that I wasn’t alone in the car.

“Flipping on the lights and looking behind me, I discovered that I had left my costume back there from a movie my friends and I made the week before.”

“What was the movie about?” asked the voice.

“We were creating a story of an evil demonic creature that was awaken by this group of teens who were experimenting with a book of ancient incantations and some witchcraft.”

“What was your part then?”

“I was the demonic creature.  This has little relevance to my story at this point though, so just let me continue.”